Finally!!!!! After nine months of traveling without incident, I was starting to think I looked poor or something. Then, along came a nice gentleman this afternoon to wildly gesticulate while clutching my shirtsleeve as his buddy lifted my piece-o'-shit first generation Motorola RAZR out of my pocket. How'd he know I was so dissatisfied with that thing? Who knew the good people of Dar es Salaam were so perceptive?
Then, when I got my huge backpack from the baggage carousel in Pemba, Mozambique (where I am now), I found it had been rifled through and my camera was missing. But.... the good fellow responsible was nice enough to leave the camera bag behind, which I found immensely thoughtful. I'm so glad people care about me in Dar es Salaam.
Actually, Dar was fine up until an hour before I was leaving for the airport and the first incident occurred. At least the phone was a story to tell. The camera is just shit luck. But I'm fine (for those that were wondering) so the stories should keep coming as I get more and more of my belongings taken from me. On the bright side, and as my friend in Ukraine reminded me, at least I'm still an ass virgin. Good stuff.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Why America's Cock is Huge
America has a huge cock. There, I said it. America’s cock is so big, it’s like the only black man in a Japanese locker room. There are a great many reasons why this is factually true (if a horrifying visual metaphor can indeed be proven as fact), and I’m going to name just a few.
Hollywood
The United States is the only authority on filmmaking. Period. If you’re someone living in the developing world, you probably don’t have a choice of any other outlets beyond Big Hollywood anyway, so you pretty much think Brendan Fraser is a great actor. And you should kill yourself, because your steady diet of big budget crap with poorly translated subtitles has left you thinking that this is the best thing a movie can be. Meanwhile, many people in the States (ok, maybe not “many” but at least some) know that it can be so much more.
Think for a minute about your first sexual experience with your first girl/boyfriend. Go on, do it. It was awkward at first, but still pretty good, right? You knew that person cared about you, so the awkwardness was tolerable, and then you felt safe in their arms afterwards. Not bad, right?
Now think of your first sexual experience with the town whore/drug dealer. Nothing safe about that. But damn if it wasn’t fantastic and didn’t prove that there’s a whole world of sex out there yet to be explored. And then two years later you get the clap. Life is cruel sometimes.
The same goes for movies, except for the clap part. But the point is, as bad as many of these big budget movies are, they’re still about nine million times better than what is produced locally in many countries. So for that reason, Hollywood reigns supreme.
Secondly, Hollywood is the first (and many times, only) introduction to American culture that many people get to enjoy. This endears people to America a great deal. And why wouldn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to emulate a culture in which one thinks it’s common to bluff your way into a wedding and find all the women sliding off their chairs at the mere sight of you? Hell, that world sounds pretty attractive to me, and I’ve already been to the Ukraine.
Lastly, Hollywood is a brand. You roll with Hollywood, the Trojan of the film industry: no clap. On the other hand, Aleppo is the clap. With or without the movies.
Capitalism
I know there are some boneheads who think capitalism is the root of all evil. And to some degree, they may be right. Conversely though, it allows all people to compete freely for the ability to succeed; theoretically at least.
However, in other countries, corruption and nepotism preclude people from the belief that they can be “anybody.” They observe the Anybodys near the Somebodys are always tomorrow’s Somebodys, and meanwhile, they’re still pushing camel rides at $3 a pop, and so are all their friends. Plus they’re high all the time. That’s probably part of it too.
But in America, you can be high AND have a big-time job. And if you work at some two-bit chop house like Northport Partnership Management, you get to do so while cheating on your wife by boning one of the controllers in her office after hours. Just ask Curtis Grow. He made it an art form.
See how beautiful that is? Who wouldn’t want to be a part of a society in which this is not only accepted, but grounds for a promotion to something like… oh, I don’t know… Director of Business Development?
Fashion
I’ve made a big hullabaloo in the past about all the fake designer clothes in many parts of the world. Now I’m making a bigger hullabaloo about the use of the word “hullabaloo.” That word rocks. Any word that close to “balloon” has to be cool. Yay, balloons!!!
That was weird. Where was I? Right, fake Dolce & Gabbana and Gianfranco Ferre again. Neverminding the fact that these are not American designers (thank fucking god), it is the perception that Americans like this garbage that enables it to saturate the foreign markets. Then again, some losers actually do like these shitty labels, which in itself is tragic. So much hopeful youth, gone down the drain. That drain being Staten Island. And that hope being that sterilization of douchebags is somehow made legal.
Anyway, people abroad don’t know that everyone in Staten Island is a blend of asshole and Dep Megahold, and they see a western brand and run for it not understanding its message. That being “I’m a doooooooouchebag.”
George Bush is the King of the World
The guy is a cunt. Granted. Few would argue that point these days with a 7 year track record that makes God’s brain hurt. I’m in Arusha, Tanzania at the moment, and I’ve watched as he waltzed in and completely shut this city down. This is the same thing he did in Jerusalem when I was there about a month ago. He blows in, shuts down all roads in/out of the city he’s in, suspends service at all airports, and in the case of Arusha, even cell service was suspended all day while he dallied around the Ngorogoro Crater.
Which brings me to an ancillary point. What the fuck is George Bush doing following me around?? I wonder if the Dept. of Homeland Security crosschecked my passport if they would consider me a threat. I’ve been in Prague, Slovenia, Jerusalem, Sharm el Sheikh, and now Tanzania with this guy. And these are not exactly typical stops on a president’s itinerary either. It’s not as if we bumped into each other outside the Camp David bathroom during a barbecue. These are countries he’s never even been to (and doubt if he could point to on a map) and yet we find each other on similar itineraries.
What this has done, is it has given me a considerable number of opportunities to see how a city reacts when the US President is in town. And let me just say, it’s absolutely staggering.
For one thing, everyone talks about it. Whether they like him or not (Jerusalem and Tanzania being pro-Bush, all others thinking he’s the clown most well-read Americans think he is), everyone wants to talk about him when he’s in town. I’m pretty sure Nicholas Sarkozy wouldn’t get nearly the amount of attention if he waltzed his philandering ass into the Sinai as Bush does.
Another tangent: Sarkozy gets divorced and remarried within months, clearly implicating himself in an extra-marital affair, and the international community says nothing (aside from maybe “dude, his new girl makes my penis move”). On the other hand, Clinton gets a bj from some slob and there are impeachment hearings?!?!? I’m confused. And suddenly more attracted to the French culture.
Either way, it probably has more to do with the fact that no one gives a fuck about what the French think or do, so it’s just a case of no one paying attention. Plus, when you’re trading in your ’86 Chevelle for the ’08 S500 as Sarkozy has done, people generally turn a blind eye. Clinton at best made a lateral move, and that raises big questions. Like, “Who???”, “What?!?!?”, “Fucking WHY?!?!?!”
Speaking of, am I alone in thinking that Michelle Obama is hot? Probably. Ok, forget I mentioned it.
The dollar is the biggest dick in the currency game
Despite the decline in the dollar, it’s still the standard by which all other currencies are weighed. Every exchange bank I’ve walked past in the last 8+ months has listed the US Dollar at the top of its buy/sell chart. That, and the fact that you can drop dollars literally anyplace in exchange for goods or services, provided you’re ready to get bent over on the rate. Go ahead and see how many places across the globe accept Pounds Sterling. Probably five. And you wouldn’t want to go there anyway.
All this is hardly a surprise. Since WWII dollar dominance has pretty much been a foregone conclusion. This is especially apparent when you’re in places like Tanzania wandering around with 10,000 shilling notes (worth about $8.50) and people would rather have the greenback than anything printed locally. Which makes sense when you think about it. After all, if the dollar is The Rabbit, then why bother with The Butterfly? I don’t know, maybe I’m still figuring out the vagina.
New York is prettiest girl in school
If you thought you were the prettiest girl in your high school, for one thing you were probably delusional. For another, you were also probably pretty popular. And if you were popular and not the prettiest girl in school, you were probably a total whore. And you were also most likely ignoring Academic Decathlon geeks like me. Fair enough: Blogs like this have become your comeuppance. That, and your sagging waistline. Score one for the geeks.
But no matter. Because New York’s waistline is tight and trim and still getting looks from all the seniors. No matter where you are in the world, New York reigns supreme. If it’s not a bad pizza place named Manhattan Pizza, or a shoddy hair salon named Soho Style (and no, I’m not of the impression this is harkening images of London), then it’s a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge in a bad Italian restaurant. New York is the first girl the guys call when they’re having a party. Without New York, there is no party.
Couple that with the enamored glint in the eyes of inhabitants of the developing world when they hear the name “New York” as they tell you it’s their dream to go there, and your cock literally grows an inch. Of course for many, any city that doesn’t depend on its camels as a source of income is probably a wet dream as well, and that includes pissholes like Detroit, so maybe I’m tooting the horn a bit too loudly. But even so, New York is everywhere. Everyone wants to know her, everyone wants to sleep with her, and many don’t think she’s the bitch some would have you believe.
It’s my contention that part of the reason the past nine months have come so easily, is that A) New York prepares you for anything, B) New York’s street cred is the gold standard, and C) once you’ve slept with New York, all the other girls in school think you must have something going for you besides a sense of humor borne out of self defense.
Beyond all that, I’m in Dar es Salaam on my way to Pemba, Mozambique on the northern coast tomorrow. I opted against Mafia Island as I’ll have plenty of opportunities to game fish and dive in Mozambique. Meeting my friend Ed in Maputo on April 3rd so I’ll be gallivanting overland to get there by then, with my eye on a week in Malawi as I’ve heard nothing but good things. I need to look more into that before making the move, however.
Hollywood
The United States is the only authority on filmmaking. Period. If you’re someone living in the developing world, you probably don’t have a choice of any other outlets beyond Big Hollywood anyway, so you pretty much think Brendan Fraser is a great actor. And you should kill yourself, because your steady diet of big budget crap with poorly translated subtitles has left you thinking that this is the best thing a movie can be. Meanwhile, many people in the States (ok, maybe not “many” but at least some) know that it can be so much more.
Think for a minute about your first sexual experience with your first girl/boyfriend. Go on, do it. It was awkward at first, but still pretty good, right? You knew that person cared about you, so the awkwardness was tolerable, and then you felt safe in their arms afterwards. Not bad, right?
Now think of your first sexual experience with the town whore/drug dealer. Nothing safe about that. But damn if it wasn’t fantastic and didn’t prove that there’s a whole world of sex out there yet to be explored. And then two years later you get the clap. Life is cruel sometimes.
The same goes for movies, except for the clap part. But the point is, as bad as many of these big budget movies are, they’re still about nine million times better than what is produced locally in many countries. So for that reason, Hollywood reigns supreme.
Secondly, Hollywood is the first (and many times, only) introduction to American culture that many people get to enjoy. This endears people to America a great deal. And why wouldn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to emulate a culture in which one thinks it’s common to bluff your way into a wedding and find all the women sliding off their chairs at the mere sight of you? Hell, that world sounds pretty attractive to me, and I’ve already been to the Ukraine.
Lastly, Hollywood is a brand. You roll with Hollywood, the Trojan of the film industry: no clap. On the other hand, Aleppo is the clap. With or without the movies.
Capitalism
I know there are some boneheads who think capitalism is the root of all evil. And to some degree, they may be right. Conversely though, it allows all people to compete freely for the ability to succeed; theoretically at least.
However, in other countries, corruption and nepotism preclude people from the belief that they can be “anybody.” They observe the Anybodys near the Somebodys are always tomorrow’s Somebodys, and meanwhile, they’re still pushing camel rides at $3 a pop, and so are all their friends. Plus they’re high all the time. That’s probably part of it too.
But in America, you can be high AND have a big-time job. And if you work at some two-bit chop house like Northport Partnership Management, you get to do so while cheating on your wife by boning one of the controllers in her office after hours. Just ask Curtis Grow. He made it an art form.
See how beautiful that is? Who wouldn’t want to be a part of a society in which this is not only accepted, but grounds for a promotion to something like… oh, I don’t know… Director of Business Development?
Fashion
I’ve made a big hullabaloo in the past about all the fake designer clothes in many parts of the world. Now I’m making a bigger hullabaloo about the use of the word “hullabaloo.” That word rocks. Any word that close to “balloon” has to be cool. Yay, balloons!!!
That was weird. Where was I? Right, fake Dolce & Gabbana and Gianfranco Ferre again. Neverminding the fact that these are not American designers (thank fucking god), it is the perception that Americans like this garbage that enables it to saturate the foreign markets. Then again, some losers actually do like these shitty labels, which in itself is tragic. So much hopeful youth, gone down the drain. That drain being Staten Island. And that hope being that sterilization of douchebags is somehow made legal.
Anyway, people abroad don’t know that everyone in Staten Island is a blend of asshole and Dep Megahold, and they see a western brand and run for it not understanding its message. That being “I’m a doooooooouchebag.”
George Bush is the King of the World
The guy is a cunt. Granted. Few would argue that point these days with a 7 year track record that makes God’s brain hurt. I’m in Arusha, Tanzania at the moment, and I’ve watched as he waltzed in and completely shut this city down. This is the same thing he did in Jerusalem when I was there about a month ago. He blows in, shuts down all roads in/out of the city he’s in, suspends service at all airports, and in the case of Arusha, even cell service was suspended all day while he dallied around the Ngorogoro Crater.
Which brings me to an ancillary point. What the fuck is George Bush doing following me around?? I wonder if the Dept. of Homeland Security crosschecked my passport if they would consider me a threat. I’ve been in Prague, Slovenia, Jerusalem, Sharm el Sheikh, and now Tanzania with this guy. And these are not exactly typical stops on a president’s itinerary either. It’s not as if we bumped into each other outside the Camp David bathroom during a barbecue. These are countries he’s never even been to (and doubt if he could point to on a map) and yet we find each other on similar itineraries.
What this has done, is it has given me a considerable number of opportunities to see how a city reacts when the US President is in town. And let me just say, it’s absolutely staggering.
For one thing, everyone talks about it. Whether they like him or not (Jerusalem and Tanzania being pro-Bush, all others thinking he’s the clown most well-read Americans think he is), everyone wants to talk about him when he’s in town. I’m pretty sure Nicholas Sarkozy wouldn’t get nearly the amount of attention if he waltzed his philandering ass into the Sinai as Bush does.
Another tangent: Sarkozy gets divorced and remarried within months, clearly implicating himself in an extra-marital affair, and the international community says nothing (aside from maybe “dude, his new girl makes my penis move”). On the other hand, Clinton gets a bj from some slob and there are impeachment hearings?!?!? I’m confused. And suddenly more attracted to the French culture.
Either way, it probably has more to do with the fact that no one gives a fuck about what the French think or do, so it’s just a case of no one paying attention. Plus, when you’re trading in your ’86 Chevelle for the ’08 S500 as Sarkozy has done, people generally turn a blind eye. Clinton at best made a lateral move, and that raises big questions. Like, “Who???”, “What?!?!?”, “Fucking WHY?!?!?!”
Speaking of, am I alone in thinking that Michelle Obama is hot? Probably. Ok, forget I mentioned it.
The dollar is the biggest dick in the currency game
Despite the decline in the dollar, it’s still the standard by which all other currencies are weighed. Every exchange bank I’ve walked past in the last 8+ months has listed the US Dollar at the top of its buy/sell chart. That, and the fact that you can drop dollars literally anyplace in exchange for goods or services, provided you’re ready to get bent over on the rate. Go ahead and see how many places across the globe accept Pounds Sterling. Probably five. And you wouldn’t want to go there anyway.
All this is hardly a surprise. Since WWII dollar dominance has pretty much been a foregone conclusion. This is especially apparent when you’re in places like Tanzania wandering around with 10,000 shilling notes (worth about $8.50) and people would rather have the greenback than anything printed locally. Which makes sense when you think about it. After all, if the dollar is The Rabbit, then why bother with The Butterfly? I don’t know, maybe I’m still figuring out the vagina.
New York is prettiest girl in school
If you thought you were the prettiest girl in your high school, for one thing you were probably delusional. For another, you were also probably pretty popular. And if you were popular and not the prettiest girl in school, you were probably a total whore. And you were also most likely ignoring Academic Decathlon geeks like me. Fair enough: Blogs like this have become your comeuppance. That, and your sagging waistline. Score one for the geeks.
But no matter. Because New York’s waistline is tight and trim and still getting looks from all the seniors. No matter where you are in the world, New York reigns supreme. If it’s not a bad pizza place named Manhattan Pizza, or a shoddy hair salon named Soho Style (and no, I’m not of the impression this is harkening images of London), then it’s a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge in a bad Italian restaurant. New York is the first girl the guys call when they’re having a party. Without New York, there is no party.
Couple that with the enamored glint in the eyes of inhabitants of the developing world when they hear the name “New York” as they tell you it’s their dream to go there, and your cock literally grows an inch. Of course for many, any city that doesn’t depend on its camels as a source of income is probably a wet dream as well, and that includes pissholes like Detroit, so maybe I’m tooting the horn a bit too loudly. But even so, New York is everywhere. Everyone wants to know her, everyone wants to sleep with her, and many don’t think she’s the bitch some would have you believe.
It’s my contention that part of the reason the past nine months have come so easily, is that A) New York prepares you for anything, B) New York’s street cred is the gold standard, and C) once you’ve slept with New York, all the other girls in school think you must have something going for you besides a sense of humor borne out of self defense.
Beyond all that, I’m in Dar es Salaam on my way to Pemba, Mozambique on the northern coast tomorrow. I opted against Mafia Island as I’ll have plenty of opportunities to game fish and dive in Mozambique. Meeting my friend Ed in Maputo on April 3rd so I’ll be gallivanting overland to get there by then, with my eye on a week in Malawi as I’ve heard nothing but good things. I need to look more into that before making the move, however.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Apologies
I'm hoping no one has written me off (at least not everyone) given the fact that I've been failing to keep the blog updated of late. Truth is, internet of any acceptable speed is difficult to find
in Tanzania, especially considering a week was spent out on safari (which was everything you thought it might be). Pictures may take awhile, as wifi is about as common as a lion kill in these parts.
Ok, so the update is, I've been traveling for the past 10 days with these two girls (an Aussie and a Brit) who have been a lot of fun and it's made it much easier to get around. Currently I'm in Zanzibar, heading to a small island called Mafia Island in a few days to do some deep sea game fishing and diving (supposedly the best on the Indian Ocean). Can't wait for that.
From there, I'm likely headed to Mozambique, probably overland but may fly if the price is right. My friend Ed is meeting me in Maputo (if he doesn't flake) which should make for a nice and interesting conclusion to this adventure. My plan (for those who still remember who I am) is to be back in NYC for my birthday on June 10th (*observed June 11th). Before then I'll be through Mozambique and South Africa with the possibility of poking my head in elsewhere along the way.
Anyway, I'll try to keep everyone updated. It's real hard to get any work done when A) you're not traveling alone (though the girls leave in a few days), B) you can't openly work on your laptop in view of anyone (it's not recommended), and C) you're constantly on the move. So, I'll do my best to keep the entertaining stuff coming, but bear with me.
In the meantime, I've decided to launch another blog upon my return to keep the juices flowing. Topics and stories will be no less random, self-depricating, and hopefully, funny. Until then... I have a massage to get to.
in Tanzania, especially considering a week was spent out on safari (which was everything you thought it might be). Pictures may take awhile, as wifi is about as common as a lion kill in these parts.
Ok, so the update is, I've been traveling for the past 10 days with these two girls (an Aussie and a Brit) who have been a lot of fun and it's made it much easier to get around. Currently I'm in Zanzibar, heading to a small island called Mafia Island in a few days to do some deep sea game fishing and diving (supposedly the best on the Indian Ocean). Can't wait for that.
From there, I'm likely headed to Mozambique, probably overland but may fly if the price is right. My friend Ed is meeting me in Maputo (if he doesn't flake) which should make for a nice and interesting conclusion to this adventure. My plan (for those who still remember who I am) is to be back in NYC for my birthday on June 10th (*observed June 11th). Before then I'll be through Mozambique and South Africa with the possibility of poking my head in elsewhere along the way.
Anyway, I'll try to keep everyone updated. It's real hard to get any work done when A) you're not traveling alone (though the girls leave in a few days), B) you can't openly work on your laptop in view of anyone (it's not recommended), and C) you're constantly on the move. So, I'll do my best to keep the entertaining stuff coming, but bear with me.
In the meantime, I've decided to launch another blog upon my return to keep the juices flowing. Topics and stories will be no less random, self-depricating, and hopefully, funny. Until then... I have a massage to get to.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I'm in Dubai
That should pretty much say all that needs to be said about why I haven't posted in awhile. I could go into detail about this place, but it may make your head spin.
Prior to getting here, I'd heard mixed reviews. I have had no such mixed experience. Only good times.
In any case, I'm almost ready to post a story about America that I think you all may find interesting. To be fair, you may need to give me a few days to get that up here. In the meantime, I'm seeing Tiesto spin tomorrow night which should be sufficiently insane, and then flying to Tanzania on Saturday. Things are bound to slow down a bit there.
Until then, I'm still basking in the glow of a Giants Super Bowl win. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm still choking down all the Eli insults I've been spewing over the past two seasons. Watching the game in Cairo was definitely an experience, too. Though the Egyptian people can pretty much suck my ass and they'd still be getting more than they deserve.
No offense. Details on that forthcoming as well.
Prior to getting here, I'd heard mixed reviews. I have had no such mixed experience. Only good times.
In any case, I'm almost ready to post a story about America that I think you all may find interesting. To be fair, you may need to give me a few days to get that up here. In the meantime, I'm seeing Tiesto spin tomorrow night which should be sufficiently insane, and then flying to Tanzania on Saturday. Things are bound to slow down a bit there.
Until then, I'm still basking in the glow of a Giants Super Bowl win. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm still choking down all the Eli insults I've been spewing over the past two seasons. Watching the game in Cairo was definitely an experience, too. Though the Egyptian people can pretty much suck my ass and they'd still be getting more than they deserve.
No offense. Details on that forthcoming as well.
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