Brian A******
New York, NY 10009
ABC Capital, LLC.
New York, NY 10017
RE: Job listing #17441G7 advertised on Careerbuilder.com
To Whom It May Concern, and Those Nearby to Whom It May Not,
I am writing to introduce myself for consideration for your assistant controller role advertised on Careerbuilder.com. As my included resume will clearly indicate, I have a stout accounting background that unequivocally qualifies me for the advertised position. However, it is likewise clear after an ongoing five month job search that I will not be getting this job in spite of my qualifications, insofar as my background is a mess of inexplicable job moves and gross half-truths. Why did I leave Position A at Firm X, you ask? Probably because it offered me the same miserable future that your firm similarly promises, and for a brief period I saw an alternative to the soul-sucking dismal existence I am sure to enjoy at ABC Capital. But the real question is: why would we bother wasting each other's time to meet one another, when instead you can go ahead and interview 21 more cardboard widgets pumped out from the Teloitte & Douche machine, each bringing nothing more to the table than the ability to mindlessly book journal entries and not send personal emails from work? That was a long sentence; although I think you'll agree that the punctuation was a thing of beauty. I digress: The answer to the above question is simple: I have an extremely high X-factor.
The X-factor is defined as follows:
X = (S^U)*(C/K) + I*T
where
X = Value to your firm.
S = # of Skills that pay bills.
U = Unexplained job moves, as depicted on resume.
C = Coolness, defined as the inverse of a typical 5 year Ernst & Young financial services auditor on a scale of 1 to douche bag.
K = # of times the candidate considered Killing themselves on all-night audits at Blackrock.
I = Intelligence as defined as the ability to communicate in everyday written discourse without the use of absurd shorthand variants of the word "you."
T = # of Times the candidate has slept with a coworker. Double this number for conquests taking place on company property.
That math was rather simple, even for an accountant. Had I been able to integrate integrals (word play) with a qwerty keyboard, it would have likely been much more fun for both of us. Interesting though, how in that last sentence I flexed my calculus muscles in such a fashion so as to simultaneously draw attention to my humility. It is precisely this encompassed attack to problem solving from which your firm would benefit should you decide to hire me at a modest premium over the obviously inflated salary figure I already provided via your online application form.
The choice is yours. You can either interview another head-down accountant who ends his sentences in prepositions because he's on an H-1B visa and experiences difficulty communicating in terms not used in financial statement footnote disclosures, or you can interview a diversely talented accountant like me who ends his sentences in prepositions ironically because of. Just think of all the exciting banter that awaits us as we mercilessly ridicule Jiang "Bruce" Chung behind his back when he leaves each day for his lunchtime piano lesson.
I recognize that the chance exists that you may be one more dirty-kneed supplicant looking up at the long hard dick of Corporate. In this case, what I suspect will happen next is you will walk into your boss' office carrying a copy of this cover letter so the two of you can share a laugh at my gracious expense. And let's face it; this cover letter, if not funny, is at least worth the walk to his office past his assistant Brenda-- the busty aspiring actress-by-night who hates your double-pleated guts by day. And when your boss does laugh as you suspected, you will think to yourself "Wow, we really connected there. Perhaps I should take this opportunity to invite him to my lame Super Bowl party." And he will once again politely decline your sycophantic attempt to ingratiate yourself into his personal life. You'll then walk away dejectedly, which is much the same feeling I will experience when my follow-up email to you in one week's time goes unreturned and I lament the time I wasted researching your lousy firm.
Don't you see how much we have in common? I feel like we really connected there. Want to get lunch today? Oh, you're busy? What about tomorrow? What about never? I miss the days when we would laugh about stuff together.
Finally, I encourage you to refer to my enclosed resume. Upon meeting me, I am confident that the value I would add to your firm will become clear, unless of course you are beholden to applicants who look as though they were raped by a Ralph Lauren Chaps discount rack. I don't even know where people buy Ralph Lauren Chaps anymore. Then again, I don't shop for clothes in stores that sell portable CD players and deck furniture. Though I am happy to pick up some Haggar slacks and an oversized Gap poplin dress shirt for the interview if it better qualifies me for the assistant controller position, thus showcasing my adaptability when faced with unfortunate circumstances.
I thank you immeasurably for your time and consideration, and very much look forward to meeting you and learning more about the assistant controller employment opportunity and how I may fit into your depressing firm during your next scheduled group suicide.
Blow me,
Brian A******
