Why America's Cock is Huge

America has a huge cock. There, I said it. America’s cock is so big, it’s like the only black man in a Japanese locker room. There are a great many reasons why this is factually true (if a horrifying visual metaphor can indeed be proven as fact), and I’m going to name just a few.

Hollywood
The United States is the only authority on filmmaking. Period. If you’re someone living in the developing world, you probably don’t have a choice of any other outlets beyond Big Hollywood anyway, so you pretty much think Brendan Fraser is a great actor. And you should kill yourself, because your steady diet of big budget crap with poorly translated subtitles has left you thinking that this is the best thing a movie can be. Meanwhile, many people in the States (ok, maybe not “many” but at least some) know that it can be so much more.

Think for a minute about your first sexual experience with your first girl/boyfriend. Go on, do it. It was awkward at first, but still pretty good, right? You knew that person cared about you, so the awkwardness was tolerable, and then you felt safe in their arms afterwards. Not bad, right?

Now think of your first sexual experience with the town whore/drug dealer. Nothing safe about that. But damn if it wasn’t fantastic and didn’t prove that there’s a whole world of sex out there yet to be explored. And then two years later you get the clap. Life is cruel sometimes.

The same goes for movies, except for the clap part. But the point is, as bad as many of these big budget movies are, they’re still about nine million times better than what is produced locally in many countries. So for that reason, Hollywood reigns supreme.

Secondly, Hollywood is the first (and many times, only) introduction to American culture that many people get to enjoy. This endears people to America a great deal. And why wouldn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to emulate a culture in which one thinks it’s common to bluff your way into a wedding and find all the women sliding off their chairs at the mere sight of you? Hell, that world sounds pretty attractive to me, and I’ve already been to the Ukraine.

Lastly, Hollywood is a brand. You roll with Hollywood, the Trojan of the film industry: no clap. On the other hand, Aleppo is the clap. With or without the movies.

Capitalism
I know there are some boneheads who think capitalism is the root of all evil. And to some degree, they may be right. Conversely though, it allows all people to compete freely for the ability to succeed; theoretically at least.

However, in other countries, corruption and nepotism preclude people from the belief that they can be “anybody.” They observe the Anybodys near the Somebodys are always tomorrow’s Somebodys, and meanwhile, they’re still pushing camel rides at $3 a pop, and so are all their friends. Plus they’re high all the time. That’s probably part of it too.

But in America, you can be high AND have a big-time job. And if you work at some two-bit chop house like Northport Partnership Management, you get to do so while cheating on your wife by boning one of the controllers in her office after hours. Just ask Curtis Grow. He made it an art form.

See how beautiful that is? Who wouldn’t want to be a part of a society in which this is not only accepted, but grounds for a promotion to something like… oh, I don’t know… Director of Business Development?

Fashion
I’ve made a big hullabaloo in the past about all the fake designer clothes in many parts of the world. Now I’m making a bigger hullabaloo about the use of the word “hullabaloo.” That word rocks. Any word that close to “balloon” has to be cool. Yay, balloons!!!

That was weird. Where was I? Right, fake Dolce & Gabbana and Gianfranco Ferre again. Neverminding the fact that these are not American designers (thank fucking god), it is the perception that Americans like this garbage that enables it to saturate the foreign markets. Then again, some losers actually do like these shitty labels, which in itself is tragic. So much hopeful youth, gone down the drain. That drain being Staten Island. And that hope being that sterilization of douchebags is somehow made legal.

Anyway, people abroad don’t know that everyone in Staten Island is a blend of asshole and Dep Megahold, and they see a western brand and run for it not understanding its message. That being “I’m a doooooooouchebag.”

George Bush is the King of the World
The guy is a cunt. Granted. Few would argue that point these days with a 7 year track record that makes God’s brain hurt. I’m in Arusha, Tanzania at the moment, and I’ve watched as he waltzed in and completely shut this city down. This is the same thing he did in Jerusalem when I was there about a month ago. He blows in, shuts down all roads in/out of the city he’s in, suspends service at all airports, and in the case of Arusha, even cell service was suspended all day while he dallied around the Ngorogoro Crater.

Which brings me to an ancillary point. What the fuck is George Bush doing following me around?? I wonder if the Dept. of Homeland Security crosschecked my passport if they would consider me a threat. I’ve been in Prague, Slovenia, Jerusalem, Sharm el Sheikh, and now Tanzania with this guy. And these are not exactly typical stops on a president’s itinerary either. It’s not as if we bumped into each other outside the Camp David bathroom during a barbecue. These are countries he’s never even been to (and doubt if he could point to on a map) and yet we find each other on similar itineraries.

What this has done, is it has given me a considerable number of opportunities to see how a city reacts when the US President is in town. And let me just say, it’s absolutely staggering.

For one thing, everyone talks about it. Whether they like him or not (Jerusalem and Tanzania being pro-Bush, all others thinking he’s the clown most well-read Americans think he is), everyone wants to talk about him when he’s in town. I’m pretty sure Nicholas Sarkozy wouldn’t get nearly the amount of attention if he waltzed his philandering ass into the Sinai as Bush does.

Another tangent: Sarkozy gets divorced and remarried within months, clearly implicating himself in an extra-marital affair, and the international community says nothing (aside from maybe “dude, his new girl makes my penis move”). On the other hand, Clinton gets a bj from some slob and there are impeachment hearings?!?!? I’m confused. And suddenly more attracted to the French culture.

Either way, it probably has more to do with the fact that no one gives a fuck about what the French think or do, so it’s just a case of no one paying attention. Plus, when you’re trading in your ’86 Chevelle for the ’08 S500 as Sarkozy has done, people generally turn a blind eye. Clinton at best made a lateral move, and that raises big questions. Like, “Who???”, “What?!?!?”, “Fucking WHY?!?!?!”

Speaking of, am I alone in thinking that Michelle Obama is hot? Probably. Ok, forget I mentioned it.

The dollar is the biggest dick in the currency game
Despite the decline in the dollar, it’s still the standard by which all other currencies are weighed. Every exchange bank I’ve walked past in the last 8+ months has listed the US Dollar at the top of its buy/sell chart. That, and the fact that you can drop dollars literally anyplace in exchange for goods or services, provided you’re ready to get bent over on the rate. Go ahead and see how many places across the globe accept Pounds Sterling. Probably five. And you wouldn’t want to go there anyway.

All this is hardly a surprise. Since WWII dollar dominance has pretty much been a foregone conclusion. This is especially apparent when you’re in places like Tanzania wandering around with 10,000 shilling notes (worth about $8.50) and people would rather have the greenback than anything printed locally. Which makes sense when you think about it. After all, if the dollar is The Rabbit, then why bother with The Butterfly? I don’t know, maybe I’m still figuring out the vagina.

New York is prettiest girl in school
If you thought you were the prettiest girl in your high school, for one thing you were probably delusional. For another, you were also probably pretty popular. And if you were popular and not the prettiest girl in school, you were probably a total whore. And you were also most likely ignoring Academic Decathlon geeks like me. Fair enough: Blogs like this have become your comeuppance. That, and your sagging waistline. Score one for the geeks.

But no matter. Because New York’s waistline is tight and trim and still getting looks from all the seniors. No matter where you are in the world, New York reigns supreme. If it’s not a bad pizza place named Manhattan Pizza, or a shoddy hair salon named Soho Style (and no, I’m not of the impression this is harkening images of London), then it’s a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge in a bad Italian restaurant. New York is the first girl the guys call when they’re having a party. Without New York, there is no party.

Couple that with the enamored glint in the eyes of inhabitants of the developing world when they hear the name “New York” as they tell you it’s their dream to go there, and your cock literally grows an inch. Of course for many, any city that doesn’t depend on its camels as a source of income is probably a wet dream as well, and that includes pissholes like Detroit, so maybe I’m tooting the horn a bit too loudly. But even so, New York is everywhere. Everyone wants to know her, everyone wants to sleep with her, and many don’t think she’s the bitch some would have you believe.

It’s my contention that part of the reason the past nine months have come so easily, is that A) New York prepares you for anything, B) New York’s street cred is the gold standard, and C) once you’ve slept with New York, all the other girls in school think you must have something going for you besides a sense of humor borne out of self defense.

Beyond all that, I’m in Dar es Salaam on my way to Pemba, Mozambique on the northern coast tomorrow. I opted against Mafia Island as I’ll have plenty of opportunities to game fish and dive in Mozambique. Meeting my friend Ed in Maputo on April 3rd so I’ll be gallivanting overland to get there by then, with my eye on a week in Malawi as I’ve heard nothing but good things. I need to look more into that before making the move, however.

Apologies

I'm hoping no one has written me off (at least not everyone) given the fact that I've been failing to keep the blog updated of late. Truth is, internet of any acceptable speed is difficult to find
in Tanzania, especially considering a week was spent out on safari (which was everything you thought it might be). Pictures may take awhile, as wifi is about as common as a lion kill in these parts.

Ok, so the update is, I've been traveling for the past 10 days with these two girls (an Aussie and a Brit) who have been a lot of fun and it's made it much easier to get around. Currently I'm in Zanzibar, heading to a small island called Mafia Island in a few days to do some deep sea game fishing and diving (supposedly the best on the Indian Ocean). Can't wait for that.

From there, I'm likely headed to Mozambique, probably overland but may fly if the price is right. My friend Ed is meeting me in Maputo (if he doesn't flake) which should make for a nice and interesting conclusion to this adventure. My plan (for those who still remember who I am) is to be back in NYC for my birthday on June 10th (*observed June 11th). Before then I'll be through Mozambique and South Africa with the possibility of poking my head in elsewhere along the way.

Anyway, I'll try to keep everyone updated. It's real hard to get any work done when A) you're not traveling alone (though the girls leave in a few days), B) you can't openly work on your laptop in view of anyone (it's not recommended), and C) you're constantly on the move. So, I'll do my best to keep the entertaining stuff coming, but bear with me.

In the meantime, I've decided to launch another blog upon my return to keep the juices flowing. Topics and stories will be no less random, self-depricating, and hopefully, funny. Until then... I have a massage to get to.

I'm in Dubai

That should pretty much say all that needs to be said about why I haven't posted in awhile. I could go into detail about this place, but it may make your head spin.

Prior to getting here, I'd heard mixed reviews. I have had no such mixed experience. Only good times.

In any case, I'm almost ready to post a story about America that I think you all may find interesting. To be fair, you may need to give me a few days to get that up here. In the meantime, I'm seeing Tiesto spin tomorrow night which should be sufficiently insane, and then flying to Tanzania on Saturday. Things are bound to slow down a bit there.

Until then, I'm still basking in the glow of a Giants Super Bowl win. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm still choking down all the Eli insults I've been spewing over the past two seasons. Watching the game in Cairo was definitely an experience, too. Though the Egyptian people can pretty much suck my ass and they'd still be getting more than they deserve.

No offense. Details on that forthcoming as well.

Some Shock Value, and Something for Your Lunch Break (updated!)

I understand completely that most people haven't bookmarked my blog, kept the original email, committed the URL to memory, or make use of the handy drop-down menu in their web browser. It's something I might do, in fact. Especially as I'm probably even more selfish, self-involved, and egocentric than most of you. So, no worries.

What is interesting however, is the methods people use to find this link when all the above methods fail them. Some people may ask someone to forward them the link, and others may email me and ask me directly. Sounds reasonable.

Still others use Google search to find the link. This is also a rather effective method. It's also totally uninteresting, isn't it?

Well, I have a point to mentioning this. What's interesting about searching for my blog via search engines, is I can access a report that gives me the search terms used to direct someone here. This I find immensely entertaining.

Below I'll list the top (subjectively) search criteria used to find the link here, removing all combinations of my name and all derivatives of the words "traveling" and "light", along with my comments. Proceeeeeed....

1. (by a wide margin, quantitatively) - "Jeff Jones, Croatia" - This speaks to the legacy that is anywhere the ambitious, often anxious, and always ambidextrous Jeff Jones goes and spreads his gospel. I take only a small amount of credit for his worldliness.
2. "sex tourism + krakow" - This elicits a bit of concern, and many questions. For one thing, it's clear that anyone who read my Krakow entry would know that there was nothing in it concerning sex tourism whatsoever. Which begs the question, who is specifically seeking out sex tourism in Krakow? Sure, it exists there, but it takes a considerable amount of creepiness to google it.
3. "banya + Lviv" - Boring. Next.
4. "slovenia" - This is puzzling. That someone would somehow page past the first 90,000,000 or so results (there is a total of 151,000,000) to reach my little ol' blog with my 300-600 visitors per month, is perplexing. First of all, inasmuch as it may take around three months to count to one million, which I find to be a rather conservative estimate, to click past 15,100,000 pages of search results (there being ten per page), is quite striking. What must a person with this much time do for a living? For one thing, (s)he's obviously married. Why else would someone consciously engage in such a mind-numbingly painful act of isolation if not for the desire to avoid a nagging wife or needy husband? For another, it must be a woman, because men just simply cannot concentrate on any one thing for longer than a commercial break between the hook and the exciting conclusion to Real World Las Vegas. It's also clear that it's a woman in that a man would have clicked past eight or so pages and then said "fuck it, I'm signing up for Milfhunter."
5. "vienna" - Equally perplexing, with perhaps the same explanation as above. Only this is unique in that Slovenia is awesome and my experience there was equally so. Vienna is nice, not awesome, and my experience was rather lackluster, which always makes for a better blog. In that sense, I believe the people searching for Vienna were actually looking for me. How many people have considered just reading about Vienna, versus wanting to read about extracting oneself from a painfully overbearing, self-indulgent conversationalist? Exactly. That would be like reading about dandelions instead of the Kim Kardashian home "movie". Which would you choose?
6. "chest whipping"- Is this a euphemism for something? Am I missing a gay joke? Someone please email me what this means, preferably with (cockless) pictures and/or diagrams, and a detailed explanation of it's derivation. I may not be gay, but no one can say I'm not trying to better understand them.
7. "'steam room' lesbian or boobs or aroused" - It's undeniable that this person knows me, and knows my blog. What's curious about this is the blending of male and female sexual allusions. This can only be the work of someone who has recently made the switch between preferences (as their mind is as confused as their loins must be). Craig? That you?
8. "bus fart kiev" - I'm not making this up. Three people directed themselves to Travelling Light by way of these search terms. I don't have any idea how to respond to this, other than to say that I never took a bus in Kiev, but I'd be lying if at this moment I wasn't regretting it. It seems like if you're going to drop bombs in Kiev, the bus is the place to do it. Not the bus stop, as was my modus operandi.
9. "cesky krumlov nightlife" - A paradox if ever I heard one.
10. "communist titties" - A delicious after-dinner snack. And I hope one day I see this phrase on a t-shirt, so I can say "I began that movement."
11. "dubrovnik sex massage parlor" - I was unaware that my blog contained all those words, but in examining it a bit closer, I'm sure it was probably contained in more than one entry. Even so, from what I know of Dubrovnik, this searcher is probably going to be left sans tug after his rub.
12. "guys sauna cock" - I'm for the first time, genuinely ashamed of myself.
13. "herza czech rigged" - Indeed they are. I'm glad I'm seen as a foremost authority on the matter.
14. "hungarian for kebab" - Delicious. Pronounced: yuhm-ee in mahy tuhm-ee
15. "ian pooley 2007 gallery" - [shrug]
16. "jeff let's eat" - The legend that is the revered, the reveled, and the never remonstrative Jeff Jones is truly a phenomenon.
17. "keanu" - My only guess is that this was after a fruitless string of gay sex searches, and Google has some level of intelligent forecasting device.
18. "kiev gay banya" - I'm finally starting to get a sense of my audience.
19. "nude male banyas russia" - As if "nude" were really necessary. And trust me, it's not. "Banya" and "nude" are pretty much synonymous.
20. "sarging budapest" - Nice.
21. "sex tourism minsk whore" - My audience is nothing if not diverse.
22. "silhouette porn" - Wow. I'm not one to judge, but... fuck it, I'm downloading some now. I'll report back.
23. "traveling with narcolepsy" - Recommended.

In other news, I'm currently in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt, as I've mentioned before. Tomorrow I fly to Luxor and from there I'll make my way up the Nile to Cairo/Alexandria before flying somewhere in southern Africa.

Sharm is the first place I've enjoyed a semi-consistent wifi connection since leaving New York last. As such, the bulk of my spare time in the past four days has been spent uploading an obscene amount of pictures from the past two months.

Some of you may have taken a spin through the first 10-15 pictures I was able to upload from Istanbul, but I've since added much more. Sadly, I haven't got the time to add the searing witty descriptions you're all used to, but I'll try to toss a few in there to add a little flavor. And pay no attention to the pictures names themselves, that has nothing to do with where I was at the time.

Lastly, I apologize in advance for the huge quantity of pictures. Inasmuch as I haven't had time to write descriptions, I similarly haven't had time to weed out the ones not worth keeping. So, you have plenty of pictures to whip through while you dig into your overpriced Pax World salad and stale bread. Have a great Monday, LOSERS!!!